Red Scharlach Points At Interesting Things

(Now that Merlin is ending, the world needs SOME source of gratuitous shirtlessness on a Saturday night, doesn’t it?)

1. The Queen’s Men
Gwen opens a male strip club full of pole-dancing knights. And in the season finale, they go for the Full Mordred…              

2. Stake Me Out
Light-hearted gameshow in which lucky peasants can win a date (the fruit, that is) and unlucky ones get unceremoniously burnt alive for witchcraft.

3. The Only Way Is Emrys
The everyday lives of hip young druids. Given that potatoes and tomatoes exist in Albion, the sudden invention of vajazzling comes as a surprise to nobody.

4. Great Dragon’s Den
Your chance to approach the Great Dragon Kilgharrah with an interesting business proposition! Although, most of the time, the Dragon growls something incomprehensible about your endeavours being cursed by destiny and then sets fire to your accountant.

5. Physician Who?
Gaius travels the realm in a magical blue hut, helping people wherever he goes. Well, as long as their problems can be solved by leeches, a herb poultice or a lie-down, that is.

6. Don’t Trust The Witch In Hovel 23
Sitcom in which Morgana spends her life coming up with ever more ridiculous plots to murder her annoyingly perky new roommate, while Aithusa tries to persuade her to get some therapy.

7. The X-Calibur Factor
Talent competition in which contestants must sing popular power ballads while pulling a sword out of a big rock. Please note: The outcome is based entirely on viewers’ votes and has not been predetermined by fate, fraud or Simon Cowell.

8. Gleeon
Musical comedy drama about Camelot’s most dependable knight. Features the international hit single Don’t Stop Walking Purposefully Into A Room And Shouting “Sire!”.

9. Percival Of Interest
The burly adventures of a man who is able to predict crimes using only his biceps. But occasionally he is obliged to use other muscles.

10. How To Look At Gwaine Naked
Possibly the world’s least challenging makeover show. But the results are always eye-catching…

(with apologies to Dorothy Parker)

Beauty maims you
Body could kill
Talent shames you
Face makes you ill

Feels in whirlwind
Brain in fog
Life now ruined
FOREVER REBLOG

(It’s only human to want to cash in on a successful Tumblr post, isn’t it? But sequels are never as good as the original…)

1. Otters Who Look Like Benedict Cumberbatch And The Women Who Love Them
Self-help book that gently explains how to deal with unrequited yearning for any cute thing that you can’t have, whether that’s a playful water-dwelling mammal or an atttractively cheekboned British actor.

2. Otters Who Cook Like Benedict Cumberbatch
Recipe book. Includes 101 things to do with a herring and tips for opening a can of sardines when you don’t have opposable thumbs.

3. Otters Who Cluck Like Benedict Cumberbatch
Surreal storybook for children, in which Benedict Cumberbatch hangs around a farmyard and tries to teach otters to do chicken impersonations for no reason that can be rationally explained.

4. Otters Who Pluck Like Benedict Cumberbatch
Sequel to the above, in which Benedict, giddy with the unprecedented success of the chicken impressions, ambitiously attempts to train the otters to play pizzicato violin.

5. Otters Who Luge Like Benedict Cumberbatch
Extreme sports action: it’s man against mammal, sliding feet first down a mountain on a tea tray. Who survives?

6. Otters Who Look Both Ways Before Crossing The Road Like Benedict Cumberbatch
Road safety campaign, with otters as the 21st century’s answer to Tufty the Squirrel and Benedict as the new Green Cross Code Man.

7. Otters Who Look Good Naked Like Benedict Cumberbatch
TV makeover show, in which Benedict encourages timid viewers to cast off their clothing and sally forth covered only by a couple of discreetly positioned otters.

8. Otters Who Look Back In Anger Like Benedict Cumberbatch
Riveting kitchen-sink drama, the drama being caused mainly by the fact that Benedict can’t get the otters to stay in the bloody sink.

9. I Know What Otters Who Look Benedict Cumberbatch Looked Like Last Summer
Horror movie in which an evil version of Benedict Cumberbatch trains otters to commit gruesome murders, because no one will ever suspect those innocent whiskery little faces.

10. Otters Who Should Be So Lucky (Lucky, Lucky, Lucky), Otters Who Should Be So Lucky Like Benedict Cumberbatch
Reworking of the Kylie Minogue hit that makes up in sheer relentlessness what it lacks in musicality, scansion and compassion for humanity. What a shame that the UK Eurovision entry for 2012 has already been decided, otherwise we might have a winner…

(You’ve all heard about Elementary, right?)

1. Elementa-Glee
A modern-day Sherlock Holmes series set in an all-American high school, with musical numbers. Don’t stop deducin’!

2. My Deer Watson
The heartwarming adventures of lil’ Locky Holmes and his pet deer, who regularly saves his young master’s life with his perky antlers and hardcore military training.

3. The Deer-Talker
Edgy urban remake of the above idea. A hardbitten detective uses his uncanny understanding of the language of woodland creatures to beat the crap out of drug-dealers and serial killers.

4. That’s So Sherly!
A teenage girl cunningly leads a secret double life as a thirtysomething male detective. Her dad’s going to be SO mad when he finds out!

5. Desperate Holmeswives
Sherlocqueline and Mycroffette are feuding sisters who investigate suburban mysteries and pull each other’s hair a lot, while their muscular gardener Watson Johns slowly mows the lawn with his shirt off.

6. New Sherl
Mismatched flatmate hijinks with a quirky crime-solving chick who is totally a loveable elfin genius and not in any way irritating.

7. ’Tecs and the City
A sexy style-fest starring Sherlock Jessica Parker. Guest-starring Manolo Blahník as Moriarty: cross him and he’ll turn you into some really fabulous shoes!

8. Little Holmes on the Prairie
A plucky pioneer-girl detective sets out to investigate maple syrup, missing chickens and Native American genocide.

9. Amoeba in Bohemia
Sherlock Holmozoa is the world’s only single-celled detective but is he destined to be single forever? The first romcom that can only be watched through a magnifying glass!

10. An Angsty Paranormal Virginal Vampire Romance That Somehow Also Involves Solving Mysteries In A Funny Hat
Yeah, this pitch needs a little more work but if we can somehow come up with a snappier title, I’m pretty sure we’ve got a surefire hit on our hands…